The Eternal, Universal Truth

Yes, I am about to reveal the secret so many have searched for. It's really quite simple, if you get down to it. But for so many, it needs to be something so much more complex and mystical.

I once read somewhere, "Truth is simple. Complexity represents the force of one's ego." I can no longer find where I read that. Googling only reveals someone's MySpace page, and while I'm sure "April" supports the idea, I doubt she is the origin of the expression.

The point, my friends, is this: The Truth of Life, the Ultimate Truth, is Love.

A lot of people see Love as something complex and confusing. But that's only true because we twist it and contort it. A man once said to me that he finally understood unconditional love being with me, because he was willing to overlook my faults to stay with me. He was using that as a stab at me because I was in the process of breaking up with him because I could no longer take his abuse.

That isn't unconditional love, or love at all. It's manipulation.

Love is really quite simple. Sometimes you have to strip off the fear you wear to let it shine in its true glory. But it's not the Love that's complicated, it's the layers we pour over it to protect ourselves.

Love just exists. We don't even really know what it is. It's a feeling that you can act on. It's our desire to see something succeed outside of ourselves, when we get no benefit from it. It doesn't require language. It transcends ethnicities, nationalities, gender, and religions.

Love knows no barriers. It's never too late for Love.

There's also nothing better than Loving. Nothing makes a person feel freer, more alive. If you think back in your life, I'd imagine what you'll find is that your happiest times are those where you've made someone else feel the Love you feel for them.

I feel like we don't Love enough these days. On a global or specific level. We're so busy trying to get wherever we're trying to get that we forget to stop and Love those around us. To just feel that for humankind. We've stopped being thankful for the feeling of Love. It's not something we should take for granted. It's a gift. A very precious gift.

And if we spent more time giving the gift, we might spend more time receiving it. Then, maybe we could finally reach the heights that seem so far out of our reach. Together we can accomplish so much more than we can individually, but we all want the recognition that comes from accomplishment.

What we don't see is that we're searching for the wrong kind of recognition. We want Love, but settle for achievement of goals that probably won't matter in a few months' time.

Spend some time today expressing your Love for someone else. How you choose to demonstrate it is up to you. The point is just to do it. Just let go and show it. And ride the high that comes with that. Then do it again. And again. Until it's just part of you.

I miss college

A few of my cousins are in college now - one at my alma mater. I have to say, I'm incredibly jealous.

I had a blast at the University of Florida. What should have been a three-year experience took four. The advisors tried to get me to graduate after my third year, but since my full ride was still in place for the fourth year, I declined their kind offer.

Classes were something I did off and on (mostly off), but I was really involved with on-campus activities. I did the Dorm Geek thing for three of the four years, and though I hope to never share a bathroom with 50 women again, I have to say it was a remarkable experience.

I led groups, created events, worked with a budget - all things I'd never done before. I met an incredible number of people. I ran for student government. I lost, but I did it.

I helped a close friend run for student body president. A TEN THOUSAND DOLLAR campaign. Also a loser. But I've never worked harder for something. It was my job to keep him in line, make him show up to things on time. I was only brought in because the party (yes, the student government PARTY) didn't think anyone else could. It was a crushing loss, but we all shared it together.

I think the thing I loved the most about college was that I had no idea what the hell I was doing with my life. But back then, I didn't feel like I had to. I was there to explore, to grow. The point wasn't the end result, but rather the journey.

Now that I'm out in the real world, I feel pressured to figure out what I'm doing with my life. I'm almost 30. I have a law degree. I've almost completed a master's degree. And because I've acquired almost another two degrees, I have to work to pay for it. The time for exploration is over.

And that makes me sad.

Feeling good

I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now. As any reader of this blog knows, the last few months have been a bit tough. Abusive boyfriend, back surgery, moving around. It's just a lot to handle.

Today was a really great day. Lately I've had some great times, but they may have been induced by painkillers and muscle relaxers. I've had my back pain flare up on me, so I've been back on the pills and I've been feeling pretty light.

I had an appointment to get an epidural steroid injection. I poked some fun at the doctor (he went to Ohio State University - hates the Gators since we stomped them in two sports in one year...) and I think it encouraged him to cause me pain. I actually asked him at one point, "Why would you do that to another person?!?!?!?" He was amused. I was not.

But yeah, even before I had some pain meds, I was having a great day today. I really feel ready to get my life back and just really enjoy the shit out of it. I have plans to go take photos with someone since I haven't done it in ages. I'm not an expert by any means and I really only seem to photograph slugs and other insects. But I'm stoked to get back into it.

I'm also back on the online dating scene. And oh how I've missed it. Some of the people out there are just off the map. Just totally out there. My dad always told me there's someone for everyone, but I have to seriously question that. I know we've all met someone and just thought, "Um, so yeah. You're going to reproduce one day?" (Britney Spears, not that I've met her...)

I've been told that the dating sites are a numbers game, sort of like photography. Every photog will tell you that to get one good shot, you have to take 100. Online dating isn't that different. You send a bunch of emails and see what works. I'm sure I'll have some great stories :)

At any rate, more than before, I really feel like I'm getting back to being Lyndsy again. I missed her.

Until it happens to you

I went on a posting hiatus a while back, appeared for one post, and disappeared again. If you've followed my blog, you know that one post was me exclaiming joy at my pending nuptials. I was out-of-my-mind happy at that point. Because I was in denial.

My nuptials have been called off, I've moved out, and in a matter of weeks, that chapter of my life will be closed.

Back then, I didn't see this coming. Not even a little bit. I was so sure that he was Mr. Lyndsy. I would have bet everything on it. In some ways I did. I took a job where I didn't make enough to really sustain me on my own. I got rid of a lot of my furniture. Bedding. Why not? I wouldn't need it again.

My mom tried to warn me that I should leave myself a back-up plan. I wouldn't hear it. I knew what I was doing. Don't tell her this, but my mom was right. I know she was trying to be practical about it, she wasn't trying to doom my relationship. But I wouldn't hear it.

Not too long into it, I started to have feelings that something was off. I brushed it off as us adjusting to me living with him. As time went on, things didn't improve. I chalked it up to the holiday season. Everyone's a little stressed then, right? The holidays came and went and still nothing changed. In fact, things got a bit worse. But, the beginning of the year is hard for him for personal reasons. I figured, "I'll just wait some more."

Until finally, I couldn't wait anymore. It was just too much. And it was something small that brought it all crashing down. I didn't get a Valentine's Day card.

I realize that Valentine's Day is a commercialized holiday designed to generate retail revenue. It wasn't really the card that did it. It was the reason no card was given, "I felt like crap all day."

Valentine's Day falls on the same day every year. From the time we got together until it ended that day, there were many, many days to buy a card. But the fact that he couldn't put himself out, for just a card, really struck me. And then I got to thinking about all the little things I'd let slide.

The weekend getaway we'd just taken where I paid for everything except two meals (to the tune of $400). The Christmas present that was originally a gift for himself, delivered with, "Since I didn't really get you anything for Christmas..."

And I also thought about the times I wanted to go see my friends. When I brought it up, I got, "Oh, I guess I'll just go see a movie by myself then." I'd ask which movie and it was always something I wanted to see. Even if I didn't stay home, he wouldn't go see it.

All the times I'd been talked to like a child - "Is there a reason you left the light on in the other room?"

The "Please don't talk to your friends about our relationship," which turned into, "You talk to them and never me." Untrue, but designed to sting.

Perhaps the worst, but somehow easiest forgotten on my end, the unprovoked kicks to the chest that left a bruise.

I saw these things, knew something was off, but stayed anyway. I used to wonder why people would stay in a situation like that. It's so obvious from the outside that something is desperately wrong. Now I know why.

You're made to believe it's you. I believed I wasn't doing enough. If *I* were somehow better, he wouldn't behave that way. We could be happy.

What I didn't know was that nothing I could say or do would matter. It wasn't me. I allowed it to happen by not standing up for myself, but I wasn't the source.

The important thing now is that I'm out. I've learned from it. I've grown. I feel relief.

I feel free.

And soon I will feel happy again.