We now interrupt this regularly scheduled program...

In light of my recent frustration with the online dating, and perhaps my own attitudes about all of this, I've made a decision. I'm going to let the dating go for a bit. I know I've said this before, but how I've been feeling lately suggests to me that for my own health, I need to let this go.

I know that dating is generally a frustrating process, but I guess I somehow expected it would be better than it has been. You guys have seen the menfolk I've been dealing with (MasterPice, The Nose Picker, Your Mom Got Raped???), and I think we should all be impressed I've lasted this long.

My most recent run-in, Mr. Boogers, makes me think that perhaps it's time to just stop for a bit. I took this approach to drinking after getting sick from Mike's Hard Lemonade. The sign doesn't always have to be neon and flashing for me to see that it's time to stop.

So, my plan is to stop dating until I'm 30. That's about a year and a half from now. When I first selected that point, I thought, "NO! NOT 30!! You'll be too old!!" But seriously, 30 is NOT old. I also think that it's been because I've had this idea in my head about when things need to happen that this experience has been just so awful for me.

I've already hidden/disabled my profiles on the dating sites I use. I won't be attending any speed dating events (though I doubt I planned on doing that again anyway, given how craptastic they were.) I haven't met anyone in my everyday life to date since college, so I doubt that's much of an issue. (In a way, that makes me incredibly sad.)

Having said all of that, I'm not stupid enough to say there won't be exceptions to this. Should I meet some incredible man, and he wants to date me, I won't turn him down. I realize that opportunities like that are rare, and I won't waste it. Based on my history though, it seems unlikely that will happen.

This gives me a chance to sort of figure out what I want to do with my life without thinking about some event that may or may not happen (meeting Mr. Lyndsy), and planning around that. I'll spend the time focusing on me and making MY life the way I want it to be. I anticipate that this will be more challenging than it sounds.

Even I'm going to miss these stories!

Another winning message...

You tell me, should I respond?

"Hello sweetie, I am Steve, 38, and live in Puyallup. I like reading, history, theatre, movies, kids, etc. I think you have a great body and I want to get to know you and tickle you naked, love, and cuddle you soon. I am open for dating and long term. Kisses."

Or, do any of you want a go with him? I'd be happy to pass along your information...

Sometimes people amaze me

If I ever do end up in a nice committed relationship, I'm going to beg my significant other to let me keep playing around on dating sites. Otherwise, I'll miss shit like this conversation:

Him: r u indian?
Me: nope
Him: eskimo?
Him: mexican?
Me: no, no
Him: honduran?
Me: no
Him: hatian?
Me: no
Him: i give up
Me: lol
Me: I'm mixed, half-black, half-white
Him: o halfie

As if that wasn't awkward enough...

Him: your mom got raped by a black guy?
Me: what?
Him: jk
Me: wow
Him: JK!!!

Just. Wow.

Not quite as awesome as Mr. Jean Skirt...

...but still sort of WTF.

This one's from okcupid.com.

Aside from the fact that he's too short for me, he's planning things in a way I'm pretty sure I don't want to be a part of it. I'll just give you his summary:

"29 year old marathon-running, nyc-dropout civil engineer male ultimately looking for a serious relationship that will produce mixed babies. My heroes are Bruce Lee, Bob Marley, Tiger Woods (everything but the cheating!), and my mom.

My best friend is my sister.

I know women."

1. NYC-dropout? How in the world do you drop out of a city?

2. Ultimately looking for a serious relationship, but in the meantime he'll do with some casual sex (according to other parts of his profile.

3. Bob Marley???

4. RELATIONSHIP THAT WILL PRODUCE MIXED BABIES??? Is he trying to make his own Tiger Woods? Seriously??

If he really knew women like he seems to think he does, he'd know that this profile isn't actually going to get him anywhere.

So yeah, I'll be making mixed babies with someone else.

Thanks, but no thanks.

So, I get an email notifying me that I've got a message on match.com. All excited, I log in and see a message from "dragonslain." I'm pretty sure I know what's coming, but I read on anyway. Nothing super strange in the message, so I check out his profile. Things head south RAPIDLY now.

His headline: Friendly gamer guy looking for a player 2. Last read: Game informer.

We hit rock bottom with the photos. 1. His hair is longer than mine. 2. KILT. I just can't get behind the kilt. I don't know why.

But what I really couldn't get behind is this:


Note the aforementioned hair. Also note the JEAN SKIRT. Even if I could get behind the kilt, that is NOT a kilt. Oh, but let's not leave out the HOT PINK FISHNET TIGHTS.

Yes, please commence laughing at me ::weeps for her romantic future::

The Quest Continues...

I'm ramping up my quest for Mr. Lyndsy. In doing so, I've enlisted the help of several new Cupids. Thus far they've come up empty, but I realize that finding Mr. Lyndsy would properly be a full-time job, and unfortunately these people are otherwise gainfully employed.

My reason for mentioning this whole thing is just to share what Cupid #2 said to me about his task. After outlining that Mr. Lyndsy needs to be 1. Human, 2. Male (hence the Mr.), and 3. Still breathing, he said, "Gee Lyndsy, couldn't you give me an easier task, like turning lead into gold?"

I've chosen to take this as a compliment. Otherwise it might be necessary to kill him.

If anyone out there would like to join Lyndsy's Cupid Brigade, let me know!

I'm feeling feisty

It's a quarter to 11, I'm waiting for some cookies to finish baking (have to keep the men in my life happy), and I'm feeling feisty. This online dating thing doesn't really seem to be doing much for me, speed dating led to The Nosepicker, and I don't seem to be running into available people on my own. It's time to try something new.

So here's the deal, if you can think of someone you'd like to set me up with, I'll try it. Why not, you know? (Even you Micah.) What's the worst that happens? I end up with a great story and I know how you all love to read my stories. It's not like any of you are going to hook me up with a murderer (and if you do, I guess I'll finally know how you really feel about our friendship. Don't think I won't remember that when I choose who to haunt.

There you have it. BRING ON THE DATES.