Touchy Feely

It's been brought to my attention recently that I don't talk much about MY feelings. When I was first told this, my reaction was, "Seriously?? I am ALWAYS talking about my feelings." But when I got to thinking about it, I realized that it's not true.

In truth, I HATE talking about my feelings. I want other people to talk about their feelings to me. I talk about other people's feelings. But my own? No thanks, I'll pass.

I wondered if I just don't have feelings, but that doesn't seem right. I'm sure I do. Right?

A while ago, I made it my mission to tell people how they enrich my life and that I love them. I don't think we do that enough (I'm sure I've said that here before) and I know how much of a difference it makes to me when someone tells me that they care about me. I've also seen people have very positive reactions when I do reach out.

Even still, I'm not always great about it. And telling people I care about them is the extent of it. I don't know what happens to the rest of the feelings I have. Whatever it is that happens, I don't really process it in any way that I can appreciate it.

Someone also pointed out that when I'm interested in a guy, I never talk about how he makes me feel, it's always about how I make him feel. I know why I do the latter. I need reassurance that he really does feel that way. It's never the guy I'm interested in that I'm talking to about his feelings, it's MY friends who will of course reassure me of his feelings for me. Going to the guy himself would be way too traumatic for me to do.

But, the more important thing to pay attention to is that I treat my feelings like they don't matter. I sort of let everything get swept under the "I'm so into him!" rug. Even when the guy's a dick. I was totally all about a guy even though I KNEW that I couldn't count on him for shit. The dumb ass told me that I should at least give him a chance to prove he wasn't a fuck up, and when I did give him a chance, he totally screwed me and I was left to find a ride to the airport at 4am for a 7am flight. Gee, thanks.

Sometimes it's that the feelings are just super scary. It's like if I don't admit them, they don't really exist, and I won't get hurt. That "logic" is total crap and when people try to act that way, I call them on their bullshit and kick their asses into line. Of course, most of life is easier said than done.

In the Disney movie Hercules, Meg sings a song called "I Won't Say (I'm in Love)." The whole song is about how she won't say she's in love with Hercules when it's really obvious that she is completely in love with him. I can't fault the girl for trying it. It feels so much safer that way.

Of course, a safe life is a lonely life. At some point, you HAVE to break out of your shell. Even if I somehow manage to start dating someone without breaking out, he won't stay with me if I don't open up to him. It's not really a relationship that way. I wouldn't want him to be that way with me.

I still haven't really decided whether I'll choose safe and lonely or open and out there. I was chatting with a friend the other day, and as I was telling him about someone, he responded with, "you are like love of your life in love with this guy." Even if it's true, at this point, I'm totally not saying it.

Random Ramblings

I apparently haven't been in much of a mood to blog lately. I'm not really sure why that is. Still kind of not really in the zone for it, so instead of having a nice coherent post, I'm going to ramble about whatever pops into my head. (And to everyone who argues that's all my posts EVER are, piss off.)

1. I canNOT stand it when people change lanes in an intersection. I don't know if it's because it's against the law in like EVERY state or if it just seems particularly dangerous. All I know is that people down here in South Florida seem to do it every chance they get.

2. I'm a bit unimpressed with myself as of late. I haven't been writing. Haven't been snapping photos. And now that I'm working 4 days a week, I can't just go out whenever I want and do it. Of course, when I wasn't working, I didn't do it then either. Blargh.

3. I HAVE been keeping up with my exercises. Karen from A Fitter Image has been kicking my ass and I'm feeling pretty good. The core strengthening exercises we're doing really seem like they're helping and that's excellent news.

4. I'm sort of getting used to being back in Florida and almost enjoying it. I have a tan started so I don't look so pale and not like myself (read: not like a mixed kid). I love that while everyone I know in the Seattle area is freezing, I'm out riding my bike. I've been able to catch up with friends I haven't seen in ages. Two weekends since I've been back have been spent reconnecting. I'm currently working on designs for my own teleporter so I can zoom myself to the most comfortable bed I've ever been in each night and then back in the morning so I can go to work. (I'd just drive, bike or walk there, but it's 3 hours away.)

5. I've gotten myself worked up about something over which I have very little control. I'm fighting my natural impulses to get all into it and irritated about it, but you can only do that for so long before it's exhausting. Going with the flow seems like a better way to go so I'm working on it, but listen to what I just said: WORKING ON GOING WITH THE FLOW. Harumph.

6. I want a cupcake.

7. I love frozen yogurt, especially now that it comes in CAKE BATTER FLAVOR. How amazing is that? Add some Reese's cups, sprinkles and marshmallow cream and I'm in heaven. Want.

8. I still believe things are going well for me, so I stay hopeful that they'll stay that way. Working has been an adjustment and it's made me realize just how much the office life isn't for me. I'll do it because I gots billz to pay, but man, I heart me some freedom.

9. I still want a cupcake. And some Coke.

See you later. Hopefully I'll have something coherent to say.