Decisions, decisions

Everyone reaches at least one point in life when a big decision must be made. Oddly enough, when I moved to Seattle back in 2005, it wasn't much of a decision. It felt like the right thing to do, so I did it.

Now, six years later, I am so frustrated with my life it's almost been unbearable. The big problem has been that I haven't been able to find a job that will work for my life. The cost of living here is pretty high and from law school and my master's program, I owe an astronomical amount in student loans. The job market here sucks.

For years people have asked me when I'm moving back to Florida, and in response I just repeated my mantra, "I'm not leaving, I love it here." But my financial situation has gotten to the point where I have to consider leaving the state. It's been hard for me to accept, but last week I got there. So when my lease is up in 6-7 months, I expect I'll be moving.

What I find interesting is that once I opened my mind to the possibility of leaving Washington, I realized I wasn't sure I'd stay here even if money weren't an issue. It was a pretty shocking realization. For as right as it felt when I got here, it just doesn't feel that way anymore.

I moved out for the mild weather, some gray skies, and the gorgeous summers. We haven't had a summer in two years. Last winter it snowed so much I couldn't go out. Some of the things I like the most about living here - being able to walk downtown from my apartment - would change with a long-term relationship and kids.

I've had a challenging time making new friends. Many of the people here are so passive-aggressive and full of shit that you can't really get to know anyone. There's even a name for it - The Seattle Freeze. You'll hear, "Oh yea, we should totally get together!" and then you never hear from them. Ugh.

Through the ebb and flow of life, a lot of the people I was very close to have moved to other places, are planning to move other places, have gotten on with their lives and families and our contact is diminished, or we've parted ways because I'm cutting dead weight out of my life. I end up feeling alone a lot.

As any reader of this blog knows, my success with dating out here has been minimal. Its' been great that I was dating, since I didn't do that much before I moved out here, but good grief. I think for as West Coast as I like to believe my approach to life is, my personality is very East Coast. These West Coasters just don't quite know what to do with me. I intimidate the hell out of them :)

So, I think it's time to go find my next adventure. I think this has been coming for a little while, but I've resisted it. You can only resist change and growth for so long before the universe steps in and forces you to accept the challenge. I believe that the challenge will bring me all the things I want for my life - Mr. Lyndsy, mini-Lyndsys, and a challenging and rewarding career.

It's been an interesting, trying, and amazing six years. I feel like I've grown a lot since I moved out here. I think I needed to move out here to do something on my own, make my own decisions without being influenced by my parents and family. I'm a stronger person now than I was when I arrived. More than ever before in my life, I like love who I am. To become this person, it's taken everyone who's been a part of my life here. So, to all of you here who are reading this, know that I'll miss you, but without you the rest of my life and all the happiness in store for me wouldn't be possible.

The only question left to answer - where do I go?

The Ultimate Threat

I'm a big advocate for the idea that you can learn lessons in life from just about anything that happens. But sometimes the lessons come at you, and you have to change your perspective to be able to see the benefit of something that's gone "wrong."

As you all know, I've had a battle going on with my weight for years. A struggle with weight presents a few different issues:

1. Health - I have a severely herniated disc at the L4-5 level, and a bulging disc at the L5-S1. I'm sure my body would appreciate carrying around less weight. Not to mention things like diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.

2. Self-image - How big you are doesn't really affect your attractiveness to someone else. It's really about personality. If it was all about size, only thin people would ever find love, and we all know that isn't the truth. Knowing that intellectually just doesn't change how it makes you feel. You wake up, get ready for the day, see yourself in the mirror and just think, "Ugh."

3. External image - It's unfair but inescapable, a lot of people think heavier people are lazy, unathletic, unattractive, sloppy, etc. Some of the time it's true. But not always. I played flag football, and not too poorly, at my heaviest weight. I was out hiking with friends. People have found me attractive at a variety of weights.

For a long time, my poor self-image has kept me from really being happy. But recently I've had some experiences that have made me realize I'm a lot more comfortable with my body than I think I've ever been. I've finally made it to the point where I have a good self-image. I wear tank tops, and not infrequently. That's right, my flabby arms are out, doing their double-wave, getting some sun. And I don't care what anyone else thinks.

I won't mention the other experiences in detail (this blog only has a Mature rating), but some involved dating that just didn't work out. And any time a potential relationship doesn't work out, it's a bit of let-down, whether there was real potential there or not. However, I was strutting my stuff proudly and loving it. Even with Pudge along for the ride. (He'd say hi to you all, but I'm punishing him for existing.) So yeah, it didn't work, but I got the chance to see how much I've grown in terms of my self-image.

The irony of it all is that as soon as I had this realization, I made the decision to make a more concerted effort to lose weight. (Yes, that is how my process works. I decide to take an action before (and sometimes instead of) actually taking the action.)

As noted above, my health is a paramount concern. If I can't get my back to get itself in order on its own (with chiropractor visits, drugs, and rest), I'm looking at having more surgery. It wasn't particularly fun the first time around, and I'm willing to do just about anything to avoid it again.

The other reason is more in line with my ego. I want to be the ultimate threat: Smart, sexy, funny, unbelievably generous and caring, AND OBJECTIVELY HOT. It'll make me damn near perfect. And as tough a title to hold as Ms. Perfect would be, I'm sure if anyone can do it, it's me. I am ready to claim my crown.

Feeling good

I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now. As any reader of this blog knows, the last few months have been a bit tough. Abusive boyfriend, back surgery, moving around. It's just a lot to handle.

Today was a really great day. Lately I've had some great times, but they may have been induced by painkillers and muscle relaxers. I've had my back pain flare up on me, so I've been back on the pills and I've been feeling pretty light.

I had an appointment to get an epidural steroid injection. I poked some fun at the doctor (he went to Ohio State University - hates the Gators since we stomped them in two sports in one year...) and I think it encouraged him to cause me pain. I actually asked him at one point, "Why would you do that to another person?!?!?!?" He was amused. I was not.

But yeah, even before I had some pain meds, I was having a great day today. I really feel ready to get my life back and just really enjoy the shit out of it. I have plans to go take photos with someone since I haven't done it in ages. I'm not an expert by any means and I really only seem to photograph slugs and other insects. But I'm stoked to get back into it.

I'm also back on the online dating scene. And oh how I've missed it. Some of the people out there are just off the map. Just totally out there. My dad always told me there's someone for everyone, but I have to seriously question that. I know we've all met someone and just thought, "Um, so yeah. You're going to reproduce one day?" (Britney Spears, not that I've met her...)

I've been told that the dating sites are a numbers game, sort of like photography. Every photog will tell you that to get one good shot, you have to take 100. Online dating isn't that different. You send a bunch of emails and see what works. I'm sure I'll have some great stories :)

At any rate, more than before, I really feel like I'm getting back to being Lyndsy again. I missed her.