I'm what you'd call a hard learner. I get my mind set on something and it can take a bit to bring me to my senses. I keep pushing for something, even in the presence of evidence that suggests I ought to be seeking out another course.
For a while now, I've been saying that I'm waiting for my life to start. I kept doing whatever I thought I could to get it jump started, but to no avail. In conversation today, someone pointed out that life never really starts. It's just going on and on. I recognize that to be true, but I see a difference between having a LIFE and living.
I've done some amazing things in Seattle. But a few months ago,
I recognized that it was time to move on. I'm missing depth in my life. I still feel like I'm biding my time until something else happens. Unfortunately, it's been like that for a while. The frustration that comes from that isn't tenable in the long run.
Soon after I decided it was time to go, I was approached by a recruiter and began interviewing for a job at a tech start-up here in Bellevue. The position initially seemed promising. My initial interview was arranged rather quickly. At that interview I was told that the next phase would be starting within 1-2 weeks. Things turned to shit quickly after that.
I went almost a month without hearing anything useful. Then I did another interview with a newly hired consultant. It took over a month after that to get the next set of interviews set-up. It was a series of interviews with 4 people at the company and one with the consultant, starting at 1pm and ending around 5pm. At 10am on the morning of the interviews, I got an updated job description. They changed it to a manager position and added a bunch of job duties they knew I wasn't familiar with. The interviews seemed to go well, but two more weeks went by before I had a final interview with the CEO. He promised a decision the following week and asked if they could start the background check process. The following day, he called to tell me I was their top candidate. He also asked to complete a drug screening and background paperwork THAT DAY so that they'd have all the information they needed to make a decision. Yes, after them dicking around for three months, I had to rush around.
The following week, at 7pm on the day the decision was due, instead of being given an answer, I was told they needed more time - through the next week. I told them I wasn't sure I could continue to be a candidate for them. I emailed the next day and told them I would still ike to be considered. The CEO wrote back and told me that they would absolutely continue to consider me "as a finalist" and told me to "Have a good new year's, meanwhile..." At 7pm on the very last day they told me they would take, I received an e-mail telling me they'd decided to hire another candidate. Seriously? Fuckwads.
Along the way, I'd had misgivings. Some were about the financial solvency of the company. Others were about the man who'd be my boss. I was told to expect trouble, that his way of doing things was causing some tension in the company. Additionally, he seemed overly concerned with how bored I would be. This told me a couple things. There was some miscommunication about the work they'd be asking me to do. My would-be boss thought one thing and others in the company thought another. Also, it told me they probably had NO idea all that needed to be done, but wasn't currently being done.
And still I persisted in the interview process. At one point, I told myself, "Well, at least it will be a way to stay in Seattle." Um, hello? Taking a job to stay somewhere is oftentimes just plain stupid. Misery in your job just causes misery in the rest of your life. No amount of money can make up for that. Besides, I'd already realized that my time in Seattle needed to come to a close.
The biggest indicator that something wasn't right was that I started rationalizing what was going on with the interview process. I was making excuses for why things were taking so long and why it was so hard to make a decision. What I could never rationalize though was the way they handled it. It was completely unprofessional. It defied logic. I won't say that it's an indicator of how they handle all aspects of their business. What they're familiar with, they seem to do very well. However, as a tech start-up, they're bound to encounter a lot of the unfamiliar as time presses on. Trying to navigate that with those people would have been a nightmare. It didn't take me long to see that not being hired was a blessing.
But really, it never should have gotten that far. When the process went sideways early on, I should have walked away. I'm still working through why I didn't. I think some of it is that endings are hard, even if they are for the best. I have people I love here, and not living close enough to just drop by and see them makes me sad.
I like Seattle. The weather is mostly moderate, I live in a central location, it has amazing views, and offers tons in the way of outdoor activities and travel. These things aren't enough to endure more frustration and feeling lost and alone. I can visit friends. I don't take advantage of the views and outdoor activities now, and that's unlikely to change in the future.
I've become independent here, and I worry that moving back home will cause me to lose that independence. I'm not the same person I was when I left Florida, and I don't know how my family and friends there will deal with the person I am now. I love who I am and I don't see changing just because it ruffles some feathers. I just don't want to deal with a lot of conflict around it.
Whatever concerns I had about moving back to Florida, I didn't leave myself a lot of options. When the interview process started, I told myself (and anyone who would listen) it was that job or I was heading back. I painted myself into a corner. After I was notified that I didn't get the job, I kicked myself for trapping myself. Now I'm quite glad I did. I needed this push to start on the next part of my journey. I need to move on. More that that, I'm excited about the adventure that awaits.
It's hard to see this chapter of my life come to an end, but there are more chapters to come. All that I've learned over the last 6 years will only serve to benefit me as I move forward. I have confidence I've never before known and it's enabled me to remain relatively calm through the end of my last job and the interview ridiculousness. I'm ready for whatever comes next, even though I have no idea what it is.
