The Ultimate Threat

I'm a big advocate for the idea that you can learn lessons in life from just about anything that happens. But sometimes the lessons come at you, and you have to change your perspective to be able to see the benefit of something that's gone "wrong."

As you all know, I've had a battle going on with my weight for years. A struggle with weight presents a few different issues:

1. Health - I have a severely herniated disc at the L4-5 level, and a bulging disc at the L5-S1. I'm sure my body would appreciate carrying around less weight. Not to mention things like diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.

2. Self-image - How big you are doesn't really affect your attractiveness to someone else. It's really about personality. If it was all about size, only thin people would ever find love, and we all know that isn't the truth. Knowing that intellectually just doesn't change how it makes you feel. You wake up, get ready for the day, see yourself in the mirror and just think, "Ugh."

3. External image - It's unfair but inescapable, a lot of people think heavier people are lazy, unathletic, unattractive, sloppy, etc. Some of the time it's true. But not always. I played flag football, and not too poorly, at my heaviest weight. I was out hiking with friends. People have found me attractive at a variety of weights.

For a long time, my poor self-image has kept me from really being happy. But recently I've had some experiences that have made me realize I'm a lot more comfortable with my body than I think I've ever been. I've finally made it to the point where I have a good self-image. I wear tank tops, and not infrequently. That's right, my flabby arms are out, doing their double-wave, getting some sun. And I don't care what anyone else thinks.

I won't mention the other experiences in detail (this blog only has a Mature rating), but some involved dating that just didn't work out. And any time a potential relationship doesn't work out, it's a bit of let-down, whether there was real potential there or not. However, I was strutting my stuff proudly and loving it. Even with Pudge along for the ride. (He'd say hi to you all, but I'm punishing him for existing.) So yeah, it didn't work, but I got the chance to see how much I've grown in terms of my self-image.

The irony of it all is that as soon as I had this realization, I made the decision to make a more concerted effort to lose weight. (Yes, that is how my process works. I decide to take an action before (and sometimes instead of) actually taking the action.)

As noted above, my health is a paramount concern. If I can't get my back to get itself in order on its own (with chiropractor visits, drugs, and rest), I'm looking at having more surgery. It wasn't particularly fun the first time around, and I'm willing to do just about anything to avoid it again.

The other reason is more in line with my ego. I want to be the ultimate threat: Smart, sexy, funny, unbelievably generous and caring, AND OBJECTIVELY HOT. It'll make me damn near perfect. And as tough a title to hold as Ms. Perfect would be, I'm sure if anyone can do it, it's me. I am ready to claim my crown.

The Eternal, Universal Truth

Yes, I am about to reveal the secret so many have searched for. It's really quite simple, if you get down to it. But for so many, it needs to be something so much more complex and mystical.

I once read somewhere, "Truth is simple. Complexity represents the force of one's ego." I can no longer find where I read that. Googling only reveals someone's MySpace page, and while I'm sure "April" supports the idea, I doubt she is the origin of the expression.

The point, my friends, is this: The Truth of Life, the Ultimate Truth, is Love.

A lot of people see Love as something complex and confusing. But that's only true because we twist it and contort it. A man once said to me that he finally understood unconditional love being with me, because he was willing to overlook my faults to stay with me. He was using that as a stab at me because I was in the process of breaking up with him because I could no longer take his abuse.

That isn't unconditional love, or love at all. It's manipulation.

Love is really quite simple. Sometimes you have to strip off the fear you wear to let it shine in its true glory. But it's not the Love that's complicated, it's the layers we pour over it to protect ourselves.

Love just exists. We don't even really know what it is. It's a feeling that you can act on. It's our desire to see something succeed outside of ourselves, when we get no benefit from it. It doesn't require language. It transcends ethnicities, nationalities, gender, and religions.

Love knows no barriers. It's never too late for Love.

There's also nothing better than Loving. Nothing makes a person feel freer, more alive. If you think back in your life, I'd imagine what you'll find is that your happiest times are those where you've made someone else feel the Love you feel for them.

I feel like we don't Love enough these days. On a global or specific level. We're so busy trying to get wherever we're trying to get that we forget to stop and Love those around us. To just feel that for humankind. We've stopped being thankful for the feeling of Love. It's not something we should take for granted. It's a gift. A very precious gift.

And if we spent more time giving the gift, we might spend more time receiving it. Then, maybe we could finally reach the heights that seem so far out of our reach. Together we can accomplish so much more than we can individually, but we all want the recognition that comes from accomplishment.

What we don't see is that we're searching for the wrong kind of recognition. We want Love, but settle for achievement of goals that probably won't matter in a few months' time.

Spend some time today expressing your Love for someone else. How you choose to demonstrate it is up to you. The point is just to do it. Just let go and show it. And ride the high that comes with that. Then do it again. And again. Until it's just part of you.

Until it happens to you

I went on a posting hiatus a while back, appeared for one post, and disappeared again. If you've followed my blog, you know that one post was me exclaiming joy at my pending nuptials. I was out-of-my-mind happy at that point. Because I was in denial.

My nuptials have been called off, I've moved out, and in a matter of weeks, that chapter of my life will be closed.

Back then, I didn't see this coming. Not even a little bit. I was so sure that he was Mr. Lyndsy. I would have bet everything on it. In some ways I did. I took a job where I didn't make enough to really sustain me on my own. I got rid of a lot of my furniture. Bedding. Why not? I wouldn't need it again.

My mom tried to warn me that I should leave myself a back-up plan. I wouldn't hear it. I knew what I was doing. Don't tell her this, but my mom was right. I know she was trying to be practical about it, she wasn't trying to doom my relationship. But I wouldn't hear it.

Not too long into it, I started to have feelings that something was off. I brushed it off as us adjusting to me living with him. As time went on, things didn't improve. I chalked it up to the holiday season. Everyone's a little stressed then, right? The holidays came and went and still nothing changed. In fact, things got a bit worse. But, the beginning of the year is hard for him for personal reasons. I figured, "I'll just wait some more."

Until finally, I couldn't wait anymore. It was just too much. And it was something small that brought it all crashing down. I didn't get a Valentine's Day card.

I realize that Valentine's Day is a commercialized holiday designed to generate retail revenue. It wasn't really the card that did it. It was the reason no card was given, "I felt like crap all day."

Valentine's Day falls on the same day every year. From the time we got together until it ended that day, there were many, many days to buy a card. But the fact that he couldn't put himself out, for just a card, really struck me. And then I got to thinking about all the little things I'd let slide.

The weekend getaway we'd just taken where I paid for everything except two meals (to the tune of $400). The Christmas present that was originally a gift for himself, delivered with, "Since I didn't really get you anything for Christmas..."

And I also thought about the times I wanted to go see my friends. When I brought it up, I got, "Oh, I guess I'll just go see a movie by myself then." I'd ask which movie and it was always something I wanted to see. Even if I didn't stay home, he wouldn't go see it.

All the times I'd been talked to like a child - "Is there a reason you left the light on in the other room?"

The "Please don't talk to your friends about our relationship," which turned into, "You talk to them and never me." Untrue, but designed to sting.

Perhaps the worst, but somehow easiest forgotten on my end, the unprovoked kicks to the chest that left a bruise.

I saw these things, knew something was off, but stayed anyway. I used to wonder why people would stay in a situation like that. It's so obvious from the outside that something is desperately wrong. Now I know why.

You're made to believe it's you. I believed I wasn't doing enough. If *I* were somehow better, he wouldn't behave that way. We could be happy.

What I didn't know was that nothing I could say or do would matter. It wasn't me. I allowed it to happen by not standing up for myself, but I wasn't the source.

The important thing now is that I'm out. I've learned from it. I've grown. I feel relief.

I feel free.

And soon I will feel happy again.