The Ultimate Threat

I'm a big advocate for the idea that you can learn lessons in life from just about anything that happens. But sometimes the lessons come at you, and you have to change your perspective to be able to see the benefit of something that's gone "wrong."

As you all know, I've had a battle going on with my weight for years. A struggle with weight presents a few different issues:

1. Health - I have a severely herniated disc at the L4-5 level, and a bulging disc at the L5-S1. I'm sure my body would appreciate carrying around less weight. Not to mention things like diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.

2. Self-image - How big you are doesn't really affect your attractiveness to someone else. It's really about personality. If it was all about size, only thin people would ever find love, and we all know that isn't the truth. Knowing that intellectually just doesn't change how it makes you feel. You wake up, get ready for the day, see yourself in the mirror and just think, "Ugh."

3. External image - It's unfair but inescapable, a lot of people think heavier people are lazy, unathletic, unattractive, sloppy, etc. Some of the time it's true. But not always. I played flag football, and not too poorly, at my heaviest weight. I was out hiking with friends. People have found me attractive at a variety of weights.

For a long time, my poor self-image has kept me from really being happy. But recently I've had some experiences that have made me realize I'm a lot more comfortable with my body than I think I've ever been. I've finally made it to the point where I have a good self-image. I wear tank tops, and not infrequently. That's right, my flabby arms are out, doing their double-wave, getting some sun. And I don't care what anyone else thinks.

I won't mention the other experiences in detail (this blog only has a Mature rating), but some involved dating that just didn't work out. And any time a potential relationship doesn't work out, it's a bit of let-down, whether there was real potential there or not. However, I was strutting my stuff proudly and loving it. Even with Pudge along for the ride. (He'd say hi to you all, but I'm punishing him for existing.) So yeah, it didn't work, but I got the chance to see how much I've grown in terms of my self-image.

The irony of it all is that as soon as I had this realization, I made the decision to make a more concerted effort to lose weight. (Yes, that is how my process works. I decide to take an action before (and sometimes instead of) actually taking the action.)

As noted above, my health is a paramount concern. If I can't get my back to get itself in order on its own (with chiropractor visits, drugs, and rest), I'm looking at having more surgery. It wasn't particularly fun the first time around, and I'm willing to do just about anything to avoid it again.

The other reason is more in line with my ego. I want to be the ultimate threat: Smart, sexy, funny, unbelievably generous and caring, AND OBJECTIVELY HOT. It'll make me damn near perfect. And as tough a title to hold as Ms. Perfect would be, I'm sure if anyone can do it, it's me. I am ready to claim my crown.

Ladies, you disappoint me

I have a friend for whom I have quite a bit of respect. I met him in law school and I find him quite intelligent, definitely attractive, and totally hilarious.

Those are all very nice things, but what I respect him for more is his brutal honesty. He's an asshole with women, unashamedly so. And I respect it, because what he does works for him, and really quite well. The fault lies with the women who let it happen.

I hear that you're not supposed to blame the victim of something, but anyone using even the smallest bit of sense would see just how absolutely full of shit he is and call him on it. Instead, women flock to him as though he is the second coming. Why shouldn't he eat it up?

Lest you think I am being overly dramatic, allow me to provide you with a few examples.

Example 1: The goldfish
My friend had a conversation with a woman in a bar that went like this:

Woman: I have something I have to tell you...
Him: What? Are you a man?
Woman: No...I'm...married.
Him: I have a goldfish.
Woman: (confused look) What does that have to do with anything?
Him: I'm sorry, I thought we were talking about shit that doesn't matter.

What happens next? He gets laid.

Example 2: The apple analogy
My friend is out with his buddy and his buddy's girlfriend. His buddy is regaling his girlfriend with stories of my friend's assholic debauchery. Girlfriend pipes up and tells my friend that it may be a hard climb to get to the top of the tree, but that the perfect apple that's up there is totally worth it. My friend thinks for a moment and responds: I certainly understand your sweet little analogy. However, I look at it a bit differently. Those apples on the lower branches and on the ground? The ones I don't have to bend over backwards working for? Well, anywhere between 1-50% of those apples are just as good and perfect as the one at the top. So, if I eat all of the perfect part of those apples, then discard them, and pick up another apple to eat until the bad part is gone, to the point where I am just as full and pleased as if I ate the perfect apple, but without all that work, what is the difference?

His buddy about loses his shit laughing uncontrollably while girlfriend stares open-mouthed, speaking only to tell him he's the devil.

What happens next? Girlfriend tries to hook my friend up with one of her friends.

Example 3: The big "O"

My friend is at a bar with his buddies and after a short time, they are surrounded by attractive ladies. As my friend is wont to do, he turns the conversation to sex. One of the girls, likely the ugly one (there's always one), goes off about how men can't tell when a woman is faking it. My friend, unable to control himself, just bursts out laughing. The girl, not understanding my friend at all, asks if he's laughing because he thinks he can tell when a woman is faking and believes that all the women he's been with have TRULY orgasmed. Wiping the tears from his eyes, my friend says, "Not at all, sweetheart. I think it's hilarious that you think I care."

What happens next? Friend of ugly girl finds this hilarious and hooks up with my friend. Is probably left unsatisfied, but what did she expect?

I wish that he were the only guy I've met like this, but I went to college with a guy who worked his way into a girl's pants by coloring with her and watching Disney movies. REALLY? A COLLEGE-age man, coloring and singing with Ariel?

So seriously ladies, let's get it together. If we'd raise the bar just a little bit, these assholes would have to step it up. Men play to the level of their competition. Let's give them a run for their money.