Paralyzed

Sometimes in life there are things we want so badly we can feel them physically. I don't think there are that many things we want that much. If there were, we wouldn't remember them the way we do.

I tend to believe that things happen in their own time and if they're supposed to happen. As much as I want something to happen (getting that job and staying in Seattle, for example), it doesn't always. I generally trust that if it doesn't happen, it's for the better.

But the waiting is agony. I'm your classic over-thinker. (Yes, that may have been a bit of an understatement.) I go back and forth, round and round, trying to look at everything from every angle, and trying to determine with some kind of certainty what's going to happen. No, I never really feel like I have success with that. Still, like the dog determined to get through that sliding glass door, I continue running at the door full steam until my head hurts so much I can't take it. I just KNOW there's going to be some kind of breakthrough if I keep at it.

I start strong, but after a while, I start to second guess myself. I wonder if I should be doing something differently. If I should be acting instead of just waiting. I believe that if I'm supposed to act, I'll get some kind of cue to move from the universe. A little voice will scream, "Action" in my ear and then I'll jump into the scene. But what if I don't?

Really, I want things to just happen. Like magic. You know, TA DA! And off we go.

Of course, if you've seen The Illusionist or The Prestige (both great movies), you know that every magic act is rehearsed until it's perfected and it's not really magic at all (at least like we want to believe it is). Nothing just HAPPENS. Someone has to do some work to get it there.

And that brings us to where I am right now. Is something supposed to happen? And if it is supposed to happen, am I the one who's supposed to be making things happen?  If it is on me, do I have it in me to do it? Can I overcome whatever insecurities, fears, and doubts I have to make it happen? Will I irrevocably screw things up if I push it and it isn't supposed to be? Can I live with that? Can I live with not doing something and just leaving things as they are?

So I haven't made a decision. But, by not making a decision, I'm making a decision. Ain't that a bitch?