It's been brought to my attention recently that I don't talk much about MY feelings. When I was first told this, my reaction was, "Seriously?? I am ALWAYS talking about my feelings." But when I got to thinking about it, I realized that it's not true.
In truth, I HATE talking about my feelings. I want other people to talk about their feelings to me. I talk about other people's feelings. But my own? No thanks, I'll pass.
I wondered if I just don't have feelings, but that doesn't seem right. I'm sure I do. Right?
A while ago, I made it my mission to tell people how they enrich my life and that I love them. I don't think we do that enough (I'm sure I've said that here before) and I know how much of a difference it makes to me when someone tells me that they care about me. I've also seen people have very positive reactions when I do reach out.
Even still, I'm not always great about it. And telling people I care about them is the extent of it. I don't know what happens to the rest of the feelings I have. Whatever it is that happens, I don't really process it in any way that I can appreciate it.
Someone also pointed out that when I'm interested in a guy, I never talk about how he makes me feel, it's always about how I make him feel. I know why I do the latter. I need reassurance that he really does feel that way. It's never the guy I'm interested in that I'm talking to about his feelings, it's MY friends who will of course reassure me of his feelings for me. Going to the guy himself would be way too traumatic for me to do.
But, the more important thing to pay attention to is that I treat my feelings like they don't matter. I sort of let everything get swept under the "I'm so into him!" rug. Even when the guy's a dick. I was totally all about a guy even though I KNEW that I couldn't count on him for shit. The dumb ass told me that I should at least give him a chance to prove he wasn't a fuck up, and when I did give him a chance, he totally screwed me and I was left to find a ride to the airport at 4am for a 7am flight. Gee, thanks.
Sometimes it's that the feelings are just super scary. It's like if I don't admit them, they don't really exist, and I won't get hurt. That "logic" is total crap and when people try to act that way, I call them on their bullshit and kick their asses into line. Of course, most of life is easier said than done.
In the Disney movie Hercules, Meg sings a song called "I Won't Say (I'm in Love)." The whole song is about how she won't say she's in love with Hercules when it's really obvious that she is completely in love with him. I can't fault the girl for trying it. It feels so much safer that way.
Of course, a safe life is a lonely life. At some point, you HAVE to break out of your shell. Even if I somehow manage to start dating someone without breaking out, he won't stay with me if I don't open up to him. It's not really a relationship that way. I wouldn't want him to be that way with me.
I still haven't really decided whether I'll choose safe and lonely or open and out there. I was chatting with a friend the other day, and as I was telling him about someone, he responded with, "you are like love of your life in love with this guy." Even if it's true, at this point, I'm totally not saying it.
2 comments:
They say that you can't have a deep relationship without opening up your soul to your partner, and as soon as you become "serious" about them. I'm gonna call everybody out on their preconceived notions, & beg to differ.
Ultimately, your top priority should be compatibility: in ethics, in morality, in life-perspectives. These are all things that can be ironed out well before things get too touchy-feely.
I'm here to tell you that it's TOTALLY POSSIBLE for you to find a guy who's precisely as uncomfortable as you are with expressing feelings and just SHOWS he loves you without talking about it. And as long as you're just showing it without talking about it, too, you'll both feel secure AND comfortable at the same time.
And when those moments come up that you find an opportunity to be mushy & open up a little bit more (anniversaries, valentine's days, etc.), those emotional moments will be so unbelievably satisfying you won't need to talk about mushy stuff for another long while. And to be perfectly honest, you'll probably fight a lot less than most other couples because you don't find the need to talk every issue to death about how it makes you FEEL. Blech!!
Trust me. It works.
You know, I didn't even think about the showing aspect of things. People can SAY whatever they want, but really, it's their actions that tell you what's really going on.
I'm GREAT at showing it. Telling it, not so much. (Amazing, given how much I talk...)
EXCELLENT COMMENT!
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