Suck it, Disney

Yesterday I went to see Beauty & the Beast 3D. I think movies belong in theaters, and I'd only ever seen it on video when I was babysitting. How I got a 4-year old boy to watch it is beyond me. Whatever, not the point.

I love Disney stories. This one is no exception. HOWEVER, while I was watching the movie, I realized that Belle falls in love with the Beast in like 3 days, tops. I couldn't believe it, but as I sit here thinking about it, that's really what happens. She goes from being miserable at giving up her life to saved her dad to being in love with a BEAST in under a week. Right.

A lot of other fairytale Disney movies are the same way. Aurora from Sleeping Beauty is awakened by a kiss from a guy who's only ever really heard her singing (he's clearly hoping her coma-induced haze will prevent her from seeing just how tiny his penis really is). Jasmine and Aladdin share an amazing night on a magic carpet (read: vibrating bed at a motel) and she's all gaga for him. After that, he fakes who he is to get her to pay attention to him. Not at all a recipe for disaster. I guess he gets points for saving her from that pedophile Jafar and the guards after she's thieving whore. At least in The Little Mermaid Ariel and her guy spent some time together before getting married. Of course, there's something creepy about crabs singing to you to kiss the girl (you'd think crabs would be an indication to stay AWAY from someone). Cinderella only meets Prince Charming at the ball and all of a sudden he's all over town trying to find the foot for the slipper. (Methinks he just wanted the other slipper for himself. Glass was certainly his color.)

So, let me get this straight: If I go for a ride, get lost as all get-out arriving at some ugly dude's house (hey, he's got personality), as long as I bring along an STD or two a singing animal posse, get him to make the O face take him on a "magical ride," and pretend to be something I'm not act sweetly, I'll wind up happily ever after?

Or, how about this. That isn't at all how it works. I've given this a lot of thought over the last few decades years. From my experience and the experiences of my friends, when people fall all over each other at first, syrupy sweet and doe-eyed, it tends to lead to a few things - divorce and single parenthood, not so much happily ever after.

I always believed that falling in love was supposed to come first. That's what you see in all those Disney movies. You fall in love and then work out the rest (though we never get to see what Cinderella looks like at 40, her three screaming kids, and Prince Charming sitting around watching sports on TV. Just saying).

What I've come to see is that it doesn't have to be that way. I always felt like there was something off with me because that felt wrong. (Yes, I know, there IS something else off about me. Shut it.) I've always been most attracted to my guy friends. You see each other at your best (Why yes, I can take a shot from my boobs) and your worst (I didn't really mean to get so hammered on half a gallon of Captain Morgan that I threw up in your toilet for 12 hours). And, after all of that, you STILL want to be with that person. That's a shitload of trust right there. And trust is sexy.

Look at When Harry Met Sally. They didn't even LIKE each other when they first met. They were friends for years before they romance really bloomed. There was the great (who doesn't love a woman faking an orgasm at a family diner?) and the bad (Meg Ryan snotty and sobbing is just gross). Sure, they weren't all crazy and syrupy about it, but I think they were still in love.

What this has all really taught me is that online dating and I probably can't be friends. It's geared toward the Disney-style romance. You chat with someone for a little before you meet them. (If it's eHarmony, they've matched up on 29 dimensions of whatever, so you can trust that it's a good fit. Um, yeah, that led me to an abusive POS. Thanks, eHarmony. Fuck your compatibility matching. But I digress.) Then, you go on a date! And it's supposed to be wonderful!

But there's all this pressure. You're on a DATING site. The point is to meet people to DATE. As you get older, there's more and more pressure to find someone and SETTLE DOWN, and sort of quickly. It's almost like it turns into some kind of business negotiation - what you're willing to do, what you're not, does it work for the two of you? Each of you is playing a role, putting your best foot forward in hopes of keeping the other attracted to you. I don't play so well at this game. I don't dress up for dates (showed up to one in an Oscar the Grouch t-shirt), I say whatever's on my mind, and reveal perhaps too much information about myself.

I don't want the artificiality. I want to know the good, the bad, and the ugly. How else can I decide if I want to spend the rest of my life with you? If you're going to turn like bad cheese after we get married, I'm going to hate you and I will sue for false representations and intentional infliction of emotional distress on top of divorcing you and taking half your shit.

I'm kidding. Mostly.

The problem is that it's hard to meet people these days without using a dating site. But I hate the pressure. It all feels icky. I'd rather be single than endure it. Is all hope lost?

Who knows?

Maybe I'll one day find myself surrounded by singing squirrels, rabbits and butterflies and run smack into my own ugly-on-the-outside-but-beautiful-on-the-inside Prince Charming and we'll ride off into the sunset in pumpkin carriage pulled by horses that don't poop.