I'm beautiful, and so are you

 If you lost 60 pounds, you'd be beautiful. - Lyndsy's mom

You'll never get an attractive man to marry you unless you lose weight. - Lyndsy's mom

Someone like that wouldn't be interested in someone your size. - Lyndsy's mom

It's been years since my mom said those things to me, and they still sting when I read them. And I guess they should. They're terrible things to say. Bless her heart, I know she was trying to help me. She wants me to be happy and she truly doesn't believe that people who overweight can find love with attractive people or probably succeed in life at all.

I'd been thinking about this post for a while, but for some reason, I delayed writing it. Then, two days ago, I got a Facebook chat message from a friend, "I hate being single lol." I responded with a laugh and asked why. I got this response. "Lol idk. Like I'm too shy to say anything to guys. My mom makes me self conscious to ever say anything," and it broke my heart, but I could understand where she was coming from (see above quotes). 

Our mothers come from the same twisted line of thinking that beauty is about what you look like on the outside, especially size (perhaps it's genetic - our mothers are sisters). I don't know what's happened in their lives that makes them think this way, but I feel so bad for them. The pressure on them to comply with this ridiculous notion of beauty has to have been immense. 

My mom would occasionally try to argue it was about my health, but I know that wasn't really it. And if it were about my health, she really shouldn't have been saying it. We all know how we feel when someone says something like that to us. We end up feeling worse about ourselves, which leads to us engaging in whatever destructive behavior got us to the point we're in. When my mom said that to me, I didn't immediately head to the gym. I went to the closest McDonald's and supersized whatever I was eating. Hardly going to help the weight issue.

Most of you know I don't believe in coincidence. A few days ago I had a wonderful phone conversation with a man who recommended the movie What the #$*! Do We Know?! I started it, but it was late and I couldn't focus enough to watch it (it's mind-bending shit about quantum physics). I forgot about it. Then today, someone mentioned it on Facebook, so I queued it back up. Here's the lack of coincidence: Part of the movie is about how our negative thoughts and attitudes affect our chemistry. With continued negative thinking, we re-wire our brains and it impacts our reactions to things and makes it harder to have a better response. That's a horrible summary of it, but the point is this: The longer we bombard our bodies with negative attitudes, the harder it is to break out of it. 

Huh. So, by drilling it in to us that we're fat and no one will love us, these moms are actually helping perpetuate the condition. Oops, probably not their intent.

What's worse is that it's based on bullshit. First of all, my mom premised her statements on the mistaken belief that she and I define attractiveness the same way. We definitely do not. (No offense to my dad or stepdad.) Second, she assumes that everyone subscribes to her warped view that physical attractiveness is the most defining factor of what attracts people to relationships. If a guy does that, he and I aren't likely to be compatible anyway. 

What people are attracted to is sexiness. Sexiness is about confidence. A friend in college told me that, but I didn't believe him at the time. But look at Queen Latifah. I dare someone to tell her she isn't attractive. Look at Seal. His face is crazy scarred and he's married to Heidi Klum and they have tons of babies (read: even more sex). I could go on all day with examples, but jeebus I've already gone on for a while. 

I spent years being screwed up by my mom's bullshit about my weight and other things (school loans, use of the word "douche"). After a while though, I could see it was all crap. I was DATING. As a fat girl. Guys liked me. And I wondered why and it killed things for me. But then I had to think about they could possibly like and I started to see that I'm funny as hell. I've got a heart of gold. I'm smart. 

All of us have gifts. We need to spend more time cultivating them and less time worrying about what's "wrong" with us. Chances are good, nothing's actually wrong with any of us.