I went on a posting hiatus a while back, appeared for one post, and disappeared again. If you've followed my blog, you know that one post was me exclaiming joy at my pending nuptials. I was out-of-my-mind happy at that point. Because I was in denial.
My nuptials have been called off, I've moved out, and in a matter of weeks, that chapter of my life will be closed.
Back then, I didn't see this coming. Not even a little bit. I was so sure that he was Mr. Lyndsy. I would have bet everything on it. In some ways I did. I took a job where I didn't make enough to really sustain me on my own. I got rid of a lot of my furniture. Bedding. Why not? I wouldn't need it again.
My mom tried to warn me that I should leave myself a back-up plan. I wouldn't hear it. I knew what I was doing. Don't tell her this, but my mom was right. I know she was trying to be practical about it, she wasn't trying to doom my relationship. But I wouldn't hear it.
Not too long into it, I started to have feelings that something was off. I brushed it off as us adjusting to me living with him. As time went on, things didn't improve. I chalked it up to the holiday season. Everyone's a little stressed then, right? The holidays came and went and still nothing changed. In fact, things got a bit worse. But, the beginning of the year is hard for him for personal reasons. I figured, "I'll just wait some more."
Until finally, I couldn't wait anymore. It was just too much. And it was something small that brought it all crashing down. I didn't get a Valentine's Day card.
I realize that Valentine's Day is a commercialized holiday designed to generate retail revenue. It wasn't really the card that did it. It was the reason no card was given, "I felt like crap all day."
Valentine's Day falls on the same day every year. From the time we got together until it ended that day, there were many, many days to buy a card. But the fact that he couldn't put himself out, for just a card, really struck me. And then I got to thinking about all the little things I'd let slide.
The weekend getaway we'd just taken where I paid for everything except two meals (to the tune of $400). The Christmas present that was originally a gift for himself, delivered with, "Since I didn't really get you anything for Christmas..."
And I also thought about the times I wanted to go see my friends. When I brought it up, I got, "Oh, I guess I'll just go see a movie by myself then." I'd ask which movie and it was always something I wanted to see. Even if I didn't stay home, he wouldn't go see it.
All the times I'd been talked to like a child - "Is there a reason you left the light on in the other room?"
The "Please don't talk to your friends about our relationship," which turned into, "You talk to them and never me." Untrue, but designed to sting.
Perhaps the worst, but somehow easiest forgotten on my end, the unprovoked kicks to the chest that left a bruise.
I saw these things, knew something was off, but stayed anyway. I used to wonder why people would stay in a situation like that. It's so obvious from the outside that something is desperately wrong. Now I know why.
You're made to believe it's you. I believed I wasn't doing enough. If *I* were somehow better, he wouldn't behave that way. We could be happy.
What I didn't know was that nothing I could say or do would matter. It wasn't me. I allowed it to happen by not standing up for myself, but I wasn't the source.
The important thing now is that I'm out. I've learned from it. I've grown. I feel relief.
I feel free.
And soon I will feel happy again.
2 comments:
There's a hint of danger in the analysis here. You're right on when you say: "You're made to believe it's you." Yes, indeed, it's a classic symptom in an abusive/controlling relationship -- they always try to make us think that someone we're the trigger, that somehow we're the causation of all of this aberrant behavior. And you're right when you say that it wasn't you, in that sense: everything they're telling you at that point is about control and about them, and who or what you are in that situation is, as you imply, completely irrelevant.
The danger comes from simply dismissing that and saying "whew, that's a relief -- it had nothing to do with me." That is partly true: but it's easy to say the burden of responsibility lays entirely with the abuser. After all, it was their dysfunction, their paranoia, their controlling behaviors that led us here, yes? Well, yes, except for one part: we were there. We can say we did not know, or we did not see -- but the bottom line is that those people did not just wake up one morning and start to exhibit this behavior. We chose them anyway. We chose not to see. The question we should keep asking ourselves is . . ."why?"
You touch on it later when you say "I allowed it to happen by not standing up for myself, but I wasn't the source." No, you weren't the source -- you were the victim. But you were still there. Why? And why did you not stand up for yourself? Those questions cannot be dismissed by us saying "well they *made* us feel like it was *us*" -- that's too simplistic. No one makes us feel anything -- they can manipulate and control all they want, but in doing so we're allowing it. It's the larger question of "why?" we do that, "why?" we make those choices, that is the important bit -- knowing that part is the key for us not to find ourselves in the same situation again.
I actually think the "why" is quite simple - we want to believe the good they tell us. We hope.
We see it as an either/or situation. Either they love us or they abuse us. That's not really the case though. They can do both.
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