Damn VD

Last Valentine's Day I moved out of my boyfriend's house. Looking back, it's clearly one of the best decisions I've made, though it was hard to make at the time.

Never having been with anyone on Valentine's Day, I was so hopeful that it would turn out to be a great day. A card from someone besides my mom, flowers from someone other than a friend who understood my love of black flowers. But it wasn't to be. No card, no flowers. The excuse for not giving the card? He didn't feel well that day. Because Valentine's Day is a surprise every year. You never know when it's going to pop up on the calendar. Oh wait, IT'S ON THE SAME DAY EVERY YEAR.

A year later, I'm single. Living in my parents' house. Unemployed. No idea where I'm going with my life. I got a card and package of candy from Joanne. My mom told me I'm her Valentine.

As lame as all of that is, it's still better than last year.

I know Valentine's Day is an overcommercialized and obnoxious day. I think we should celebrate the people we love every day, but sometimes life gets in the way. Whether you're married, engaged,  partnered, or single, take some time today to tell the people in your life that you love them. You never know how much it'll mean to someone else.

"Remember, the light at the end of the tunnel may be you." ~Aerosmith

Want, want, want

We all have lists of things that we want. Sometimes we write them down, sometimes they're in our heads. I'm not just talking about grocery lists here either. I'm talking about big life goals too. If we're not careful, these lists will make us crazy.

On any given day, there's a long line of things that run through my head about my life. An average day goes like this for me:

Morning-ish: Wake up. Realize I didn't get up with an alarm. Think, "Crap! I'm late for work!!!" Freak out briefly then remember I don't have a job. ACK, new wave of panic.

1. FIND A JOB BEFORE STUDENT LOAN AND CREDIT CARD PEOPLE ARE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR AND I AM FORCED TO WORK AS A "LADY OF THE NIGHT."

Afternoon: Search simplyhired.com and indeed.com and (ugh) craigslist for jobs. Fall into a state of despair over the lack of suitable jobs. Spy the bag of peanut butter M&Ms on the floor and begin consuming them at an alarming rate. Once hands are covered in candy-coating and stomach is rolling, realize how many calories I've just consumed and OH GOD...

2. REALIZE I HAVE TO STOP EATING CRAP AND START EXERCISING OR WILL BE A CHUNKY MONKEY FOREVER AND THE REST OF MY LIFE WILL BE SHIT

Later afternoon: Get on my bike and go for a ride to undo some of the damage from earlier M&M binge. Use feelings of self-loathing to power bike. Pass by good looking men also out exercising. Glance at them and remember

3. I AM SINGLE AND LIVING AT HOME WITH NO PROSPECTS. MUST HUNT ON INTERWEBS FOR SUITABLE MATE WITH WHOM I CAN PROCREATE

Evening: Showered and clean, sit around on interwebs looking for suitable mate. Chat with girlfriends online about lack of suitable prospects for person of my attractiveness level, or really any attractiveness level. Fall asleep sad and crying over lack of anything valuable in my life. 

My car is 10 years old. My clothes aren't suitable for living in a place where the temperature rarely drops below 70 degrees. My feet are screaming for a pedicure. I'm sleeping in a twin bed on sheets I've had since I was 4.  Yes, my life is full of win.

But the thing is, I'm in a house where my parents are supportive of my decision to quit a job that wasn't working for me anymore (mostly). My twin bed is surround by craft materials that I've used to make Valentine's cards for some really amazing people in my life; people who support me while my life takes a detour I didn't expect. Yes, I have student loans, but I also have a million college degrees that will eventually help me find a job that will keep me in M&Ms and on the internet. I may not be thin, but I'm relatively healthy - which is a blessing since it wasn't true this time last year. 

The lists that run in my head are good because they keep me striving for more in my life. And I should be striving for more. But I let myself get bogged down by all the negative parts of my life. There's a fine balance there, and I don't do a great job walking the line. I need to take some time, every time I get hit by my list, to think of something positive so I can stay steady. 

I also need to keep in mind that things happen when they're meant to. I'm not a particularly patient person. ("The hell you say, Lyndsy!" No really, I'm not. It's okay. I know it.) I want things to happen when I want them to happen and HOW I want them to happen. As though *I* really know best. 

There are probably a million songs about not getting what you want, but the one that jumps out at me the most is Garth Brooks' "Unanswered Prayers." When I think about it, there are probably THOUSANDS of things I've wished and hoped for that never came true. And I am SO thankful they didn't (me rocking some Stepford Wife outfits, leading the PTA, all while dying on the inside). There were a few things that I MADE come true for me. The universe was pushing me one way, but I pushed my own way. And you know what, they ended rather poorly (me moving out of my boyfriend's house at 10 o'clock at night, fresh bruise on my chest, for example).

I can want and want and want as much as I like, but the reality is that it's a waste of energy. I need to push toward my goals; nothing comes to lazy people (except unwanted pounds). But I also need to remember that what I WANT and what's BEST for me may be two different things. If I open my mind to the possibility that there's something amazing out there for me, even if I haven't envisioned it yet, I may be pleasantly surprised.

Day 5: Yes, I made it

When last we left off, I was trying to jump curbs in my car and fight off bedbugs at a Super 8. Perhaps because of the bedbugs, we were up REALLY early on Sunday to complete our trip. We were checked out of the hotel by 6:30am. Yeah, I don't usually know what that time of day even means.

After the night before and because of the early hour, Matt took the first driving shift. I got comfortable in the passenger seat and tried to stay awake. American Express finally seemed to catch on to the fact that I was traveling across the country and I had to get a call into them before I could fill up the tank.

Matt's morning was made when we saw a Dunkin Donuts next to the gas station. We'd been looking the entire trip, but they only became commonplace when we got to Florida. Matt pulled into the drive-thru and they took our order. We got to the window and a young guy leaned out for the money. He looked into the backseat and saw Orpheus' cage.

Guy: What is that???

Matt: It's a guinea pig [tone of "duh"]

Guy: That is a big rat.

Me: [Glaring at guy though he can't see me]

Our progress was steady until we hit Gainesville. Matt suggested I pull up the traffic layer on the GPS. I noticed a line of red ahead of us and then gray. I couldn't figure out why there was just NO traffic. We were directed off the highway and into the city to get to 441 and back on the freeway. Wildfires the night before caused a number of car accidents and I-75 was closed off in both directions. We passed areas where the fires were still smoking a little. VERY happy we didn't go through there the night before.

From there, it was smooth sailing. I dropped Matt off at home right around 3ish - the time he asked to be home. I got home around 4 and texted Matt to let him know I made it home and to thank him again for riding with me.

Me: Made it home. I can't thank you enough.

Matt: No problem. I would do it again. Just not tomorrow.

Me: LOL, or the day after :)

Matt: Or in your car.

Me: Agreed.

He's obviously crazy.

Day 4: I still hate Texas/My car IS an off-road vehicle

Day 4 started with a delicious breakfast at Our Place in Fort Worth, Texas. It's Joanne's usual spot, and for good reason. Our server was a little off her rocker, but the food came out correctly so I won't slam her too much. I think the highlight of breakfast was watching Matt try to get the powdered sugar off his french toast, but stealth style. Joanne and I are chatting and then she's looking at him like, "WTF?" So I looked over, and there's powdered sugar flying off the table onto the floor and his phone. Joanne and I burst out laughing. Matt didn't see the problem.

Also amusing was Joanne finding a banana peel stuck to my bike rack. The day before, Matt had asked me to chuck his peel out my window since I was riding closest to the grass. I didn't get it very far and Matt actually thought it hadn't even left the car. With exaggerated confidence I declared that it had definitely cleared the car. Oops.

I don't intend to drive through Louisiana all that soon again. Matt got the morning shift for driving and we're cruising along at a nice 85mph since it's a 75mph speed limit there. Before, too long, there are some pretty blue lights flashing behind us. The state trooper asked Matt to STEP OUT OF THE CAR. Totally not how most states roll, so Matt's a little on edge. I'm sitting in the car for a while, wondering what the hell is going. I can hear pieces of the conversation - Matt's FL license, but the WA tags on the car, etc. Eventually the trooper comes over and asks if it's my car. Snappishly I tell him it is, and I had over my license and registration. He didn't even bother looking at my license.

The conversation between Matt and the Douchewhore lasts a few more minutes and I'm wondering if they're swapping recipes or something. Matt comes back, finally, and is frustrated as all hell. Apparently the first thing the Dick with a Radar Gun said was, "I'm going to give you a citation," and then proceeded to ask Matt where he was from, as though Matt would have ANY interest in chatting at that point. Ugh.

We stopped in New Orleans for dinner. It was HELLA crowded there. I guess a Saturday evening isn't a great time to make a pit stop there, but whatever. I popped into some tourist trap store and picked up a zydeco CD for my stepfather and some other stuff. We walked around looking at the restaurants in the immediate vicinity. Here's the thing, I'm not an adventurous eater. Spicy foods hit my tongue and I immediately want to expel them from my system. Some of the restaurants looked intriguing, but I wasn't about to chance it. Fortunately, Matt's not into spicy or unfamiliar foods either, so I didn't have to feel like a tool for suggesting the Hard Rock Cafe. It were delicious.

We hit the road again and drove as quickly as possible through Mississippi and Alabama. Those are great states to cruise through at night, not much to see. The night really isn't my friend though. Somewhere in Alabama we had to get gas, so I pull off the highway and decide to go to the big TA Travel Center station. I wait for oncoming traffic to pass, and then I go. *I* think I'm going into the gas station. Turns out, I was actually to the left of the driveway, on some grass. Didn't realize it until my car is flying over a curb. We landed with a thud and I looked up to see that I was actually in a gas station designed for SEMIS. I pulled into the closest parking space to inspect the damage to my car. While I'm sure he was pissed off at me, William Christopher doesn't seem to be any worse for the wear (except for the tumbleweed I pulled out of the grill...). Matt's just shaking his head and I KNOW he's dying to tell me AGAIN how he's a better driver than I am. At that point, I would probably have had to admit he was right...

After getting gas, I kept driving. No idea how Matt didn't force me into the passenger sit. We hit the Florida state line, and I started to crumble a little bit. At that point, it became real to me that I was actually moving back to FL. I'm crossing the border, in my car that's loaded down with my stuff. Poor Matt had no idea what to do while I was crying. We stopped at a seriously sketchy Super 8, sure we'd be carrying bedbugs back to South Florida with us.