I don't have traditional faith in my life. Without really knowing what I was doing, I left the Catholic church before I could be confirmed. Something in me just told me it wasn't right for me. As I've gotten older, I've realized how right I was.
That doesn't mean I don't have my own brand of spirituality. That I believe in some kind of higher power comforts my religious grandparents and father. They overlook the fact that I don't believe Jesus was the son of God, and focus instead on the way I live my life. At the end of the day, I think how we behave is more important than what we say we believe.
I do believe in some kind of higher power and I believe that higher power has some kind of plan for me. Nothing super specific, just that I'll accomplish personal growth in certain areas. For me, this translates to the idea that everything happens for a reason. I may not like what happens, but I appreciate that I can learn from it, whatever it is.
I try to remember this during times of my life where I feel like I'm struggling and drowning. I had planned to say something else, but I just looked at the words I chose: struggling and drowning. And now I'm wondering if it's my struggling that's making me feel like I'm drowning. Sometimes the best thing you can do is to stop the obsessive struggle and just float along.
Which actually leads quite well into what I WAS going to say. I have all these ideas about what my life is supposed to be like, and it's just not like that. It also doesn't look like it's going to be that way anytime soon. I keep feeling like *I* am doing something wrong to keep my life from being the way I expected it would be. I feel like I'm trapped in a net, and the more I see that and struggle, the more caught I become.
In a warped way it's kind of funny. I am now living the life I said I never wanted to live. Living back in Florida, working a job I tried to avoid. Did I doom myself to this life by declaring over and over that it isn't what I wanted? And in reality, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. I keep having feelings of deja vu, which is an indicator to me that I'm where I'm supposed to be. Somehow it's still just not that comforting.
I don't know how to let go of all the expectations I have for my life, things I really want. What if I never meet Mr. Lyndsy? What if I never have kids? What if...? What if...? I ask myself these questions all the time. I try to accept that it may not happen, because it IS a possibility that I won't have kids or that I won't meet Mr. Lyndsy.
But I feel like letting go of the expectation,s accepting that they won't happen, just floating along is tantamount to giving up, losing hope. And is there anything worse than losing hope?
4 comments:
Expectations and hope are not the same thing. You can hope for anything and yet expect nothing, which in many respects is the way I live. Perhaps that's a pessimistic way to live, but expectations, to my way of thinking, are what cause a disappointing life. I expect very little but hope for quite a bit. if it happens, that's great. The problem with expectations is that your whole life can change in a minute. I think if you have too many expectations, you end up being unable to roll with the punches of life.
You may feel like drowning because you are struggling too hard. I learned a long time ago that for those who are drowning, part of their problem is their panic which makes them struggle more which makes them panic more which makes them drown more. I'm not saying bob along freely with no goal or direction. Instead, learn where to watch the wave and float with it which will hopefully get you to a place you can swim towards shore.
I feel like I used to hope without expectations, but somehow still found my way to disappointment. It's the reason I hate New Year's so much. Obviously I hadn't fully detached hope from expectation. At the time, I didn't hope for anything in particular, just good change. It just never happened.
I agree with you about the panicking leading to more drowning. I'm a lot calmer about this than I used to be. I'm no longer trying to force anything since I really don't know where I am or what I'm doing :)
Do you feel that since everything happens for a reason, that if you get through x,y and z you will get an ultimate reward? Believing that everything happens for a reason implies there is some endgame. NOBODY who has that kind of faith can believe that everything happens for a reason and that reason is more shitty ass shit. There seems to me to be an implied expectation that things will turn out in the end which is a HUGE expectation.
No, I don't think there's ultimately some magical reward. Some lives are just about learning so that in the next life you have the knowledge. Not everyone gets a reward.
Post a Comment