Mariska Hargitay (Detective Benson on Law & Order: SVU) is on the cover of More magazine this month with the quote "My life began at 30 and took off at 40." I'm starting to think my life might be trending the same way.
I didn't think much of turning 30. No panic attacks. No excitement. To me, age is arbitrary. It tells you only that someone's been around for some length of time. I used to think age was a big deal. I had PLANS and they all related to my age. By 21 meet the man of my dreams and get engaged. By 25 have at least one kid and a rocking career. By 30, take over the world.
None of that has happened. I'm 30 and I'm single - never been married. I don't have any kids. If I have one in the next 9 months, run into hiding because we're about to have another Immaculate Conception and you know that means the end of the world if *I* am the bearer of that child. I don't have a career, I have a job.
For a while, the fact that I had apparently failed at my life bothered me. No, I didn't get engaged in college - I barely dated anyone. I haven't been married - but I've been engaged twice. Of course, it was to the same guy and he turned out to be an abusive ass. I don't have any kids, but sweet God, I have no idea how I'd been feeding them if I did. My plans for world domination might be proceeding, but if I told you that, I'd have to kill you.
However, when I focus on what I have done, I'm pleased with my life. I moved all the way across the country, to a city where I knew only one person. I graduated from law school when I was 25 and was recruited to work on a death penalty case. When we got the conviction and death sentence, I was 28. How many 28 year-old lawyers can say that they played a significant role in a capital murder case?
I started a master's program while working on that case and went to school full-time while we were in trial, working 80 hours per week. I completed the coursework for my MA and a certificate in crime analysis just after turning 29. I took the comprehensive exam to complete the MA this October and expect to graduate in December, just 3 months after turning 30.
I took my first trip out of the country and I can't wait to go again. I have no idea why I hadn't wanted to trek out before 2009, but I'm so glad I finally went. (In case you're reading this, thanks Mom! She funded the trip.)
By pretty much any standard, My 20s were a productive time. I believe I was meant to do all of it. But in a lot of ways, it didn't feel like my LIFE. It's been like playing a sport or an instrument because someone else told you to, rather than you doing it because you're driven to do it. I took ballet lessons for 8 or 9 years because my mom wanted me to. I did it, but you could tell my heart wasn't in it.
And now, at 30, I'm making my life happen rather than waiting to see what comes to me. I'm deciding what I want and striving for it. I've met a lot of people and experienced a lot of shit over the last 10 years and it's all influenced who I am today. I love myself more now than I ever have before and that's obviously a big deal.
The thing is, my life couldn't start until I loved myself enough to live it.
1 comment:
I feel the same way in many respects re: my 30th. I think you have to know who you are before you can be truly autonomous and pursue the life YOU want. Like you, it took me until around 29/30 before I met that milestone. Although it seems late, it could be worse. I know a lot of people - many of whom I worked with - who are nearing retirement and just figuring out that they lived someone else's life. That is sad. So, now that you've figured out who you are and want you want, go get it! It's time to start living.
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