LeBron, no one cares

Kobe Bryant: Hey, LeBron, it's Kobe. Call me back.

**LeBron James, distracted by something shiny, returns the call 2 days later**

LeBron: Kobe, man, what's up?
Kobe: LeBron, we need to talk.
LeBron: Obvi, why else would you be blowin' up my phone?
Kobe: Seriously, I called you once. Left one message. Didn't even text.
LeBron: Whatevs.
Kobe: Look, I'm here to help you.
LeBron: Help me what? I don't need yo help.
Kobe: Yes, you really do.
LeBron: Man, you're irrelevant now. Why would I need your help.
Kobe: ::silence::
LeBron: Kobe, you there?
Kobe: Yeah. So, here's the thing. No one cares about you anymore. It's all Jeremy Lin and Linsanity. You need to get with it.
LeBron: Naw man. That shit ain't right.
Kobe: Look, I've been through this. I was hot shit forever. And then you came along. You were the little brother I didn't want.
LeBron: Like a brother from another mother?
Kobe: Uh, yeah. Like that.
LeBron: So, now Jeremy's my brother from another mother?
Kobe: Yeah.
LeBron: Aw damn.
Kobe: So stop saying stupid shit, like you'll dunk for a million dollars. Be classy.
LeBron: ::sucks in snot, voice wavering:: Okay man. I feel you.
Kobe: Seriously man, keep it classy.

LeBron James said he'd participate in the dunk contest if there was a $1M purse. Here's my question: Does anyone care if LeBron does it?

First of all, the dunk contest is ridiculous. Earlier today I walked past the TV when they were talking about ridiculous it's become. Back in the day, when people actually played the game, rather than passing the ball high to some guy whose parents obviously overfed him steroids as a kid to dunk it, it WAS something to watch. Now you have to jump over 6 flaming cars, while wearing flame attracting material and singing Lady Gaga's latest song in French for anyone to care.

Second, I don't pay much attention to basketball (since it's all about big players and dunking, with no basketball SKILL), but I have heard ALL about Jeremy Lin. HE is the new IT GUY of basketball. Sure, LeBron's all amazing, but so was Kobe Bryant, and who's talking about Kobe these days? Granted, Kobe had that nasty little "alleged" rape situation and it didn't help his popularity, but he's still playing and he's still good.

Third, what's with demanding a big ole heap of cash? I seriously doubt that LeBron needs a solid gold Humvee or diamond-studded swimming pool (thank you, Weird Al). What's $1M to him? Maybe he's got a crazy hookers and blow habit we don't know about. Maybe it's his collection of women's lingerie. I don't know, but I seriously doubt $1M is a big deal to him.

It's just gross. The whole thing is just for publicity and money. Not everything an athlete does should or needs to have some crazy high price tag on it.

Will someone PLEASE send LeBron a memo to tell him to get over himself?

Ignore that I look like a nutter

A picture is worth a thousand words. I think this one certainly deserves more than a thousand, but most of them would just be "OH MY GOD WHAT DID YOU DO TO YOUR FACE?" on repeat.

 

That look, my friends, that look is called STREET WALKER. And I thought it was SEXY. I was browsing through the pictures on my phone one day and I realized just how awful it was. A friend of mine sells Mary Kay products and ALWAYS looks very well made up. I sought her out. And spent a ton of money. And then decided to do for others what she did for me. 

 

Last night I was chatting with a friend about selling Mary Kay products. She responded that she couldn't even imagine me wearing makeup. I gave her the run-down on what I wear and she commented she'd never worn eyeliner, wouldn't even know how to put it on. Naturally that meant she couldn't imagine it on me. I suggested the most brilliant thing in the world - I would do BEFORE and AFTER shots of me in makeup. Taking the photos myself was a bit challenging as I'm a bit of a dumbass with self-portraits. Not one of these photos has my whole face in it. However, I think you can still tell where there's makeup and where there's not. Maybe. I hope.

A hint: I'm wearing makeup in two of them and I happen to think I look better in those two. I leave you to be the judges. 

And yes, I do realize I have creeper eyes in that upper right photo. I'm not a creeper. I swear.

This Means War: A Movie Review

It was inevitable that I would see this. A romantic comedy with Reese Witherspoon and two guys that you can't help but drool over. It's a no-brainer.

Don't bother reading critics' reviews of the movie. You aren't going to see this because you expect an Oscar. You're going to see it because you want a little dose of love in your life. It's an ensemble cast of gorgeous people doing things that no one in real life could do. (Seriously, using CIA resources to launch war on your best friend because he's dating the same girl you are?) IT'S NOT REAL. We get that. 

Lauren (Reese Witherspoon) gets thrown onto an online dating site by her best friend Trish (Chelsea Handler). Through an odd twist of fate, she meets Tuck (Tom Hardy) and FDR (Chris Pine) on the same day - after a date with Tuck she stumbles into FDR who eventually forces his way into a date with her. The rest...is the movie.

Reese Witherspoon turns in an excellent performance, as usual. I think she even gets to break out and have a little more fun than we've gotten to see out of some of her other movies. She almost seems more like one of us. There was even a scene where I felt embarrassed  for her. Amazing, right?

Chris Pine and Tom Hardy play very well together. As young CIA agents, they bring enough action to the movie that any guy forced into seeing it should be amused. The movie blends the action and the romance together well. Not quite enough for it to be an action flick, but not too far off either.

Adding Chelsea Handler as Reese's sidekick was a brilliant touch. It adds edgy humor (can Chelsea do it any other way?) and I found myself laughing out loud quite a bit. We all need a friend like her.

All in all, a fun movie. It's not original. It won't win any awards. Yes, you'll know the ending before it happens. But who cares? It's like getting home after a long, hard day at work, and crawling into your warm unmade bed.

I bet you like your ribs too much

As you all know, I'm into the online dating. Recently, I started seeing a rash (poor choice of words, methinks) of profiles that mention "GGG." I'm pretty sure that the guys aren't talking about supersized boobs, so I googled it. Turns out, GGG stands for "Good, Giving, Game." It's a concept created by Dan Savage who is the author of Savage Love, a column in the Stranger, a Seattle weekly (?) publication. It's an extremely popular column, and worth a read.

Anyway, Good, Giving, Game: "GGG stands for 'good, giving, and game,' which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything—within reason.'"

This came up today because I got into a conversation with a friend about a dating situation she's involved in. She was sort of trying to avoid the guy today, and I told her I couldn't understand how she does it. She was like, "do what?" And I responded (perhaps not entirely truthfully), "I ALWAYS go where there is sex to be had." she was like, "meh, it's not that good," which led to me revising my statement to, "I ALWAYS go where there is good sex to be had." (Not sure why I'm mentioning this since it's not entirely relevant to the story.)

So we get to talking and she further explained that he likes to ask for things, but not do things, if you know what I mean. And you know what, that's totally unacceptable. It's just completely wrong. You don't get to ask for things if you aren't willing to do them.

I'm going to be super clear about something right now. Men, any time a woman decides to pleasure you with oral sex, it's not because your penis is a Rod of God. It is NOT a gift for us. We do it because we know it makes you happy. And, also, in case you didn't know, IT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE CHOCOLATE.

So here's the deal, if you're going to ask for us to enjoy your lollipop, you better be ready to tend to the Lady Garden. That's the "giving equal time and equal pleasure" the wise Mr. Savage speaks of. Get over yourselves and do the right thing. Or, you can have a rib removed and take care of it yourself.